Friday, January 31, 2014

Retired Husband Problems … Enjoy!



 After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my
dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, In our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by
our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other      
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned
station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance,
causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite
them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which
twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it,
as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while,
loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look'
using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile;
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.

Friday, January 3, 2014

The Praise of God's Creation

Part of the daily lectionary (#PCUSA) quite often, Psalm 148 - here's a piece of it that caught my attention this morning:

7   Praise the Lord from the earth,
          you sea monsters and all deeps,
8   fire and hail, snow and frost,
          stormy wind fulfilling his command!

9   Mountains and all hills,
          fruit trees and all cedars!
10  Wild animals and all cattle,
          creeping things and flying birds!

11  Kings of the earth and all peoples,
          princes and all rulers of the earth!
12  Young men and women alike,
          old and young together!

For the Psalmist, EVERY voice is important - sea monsters, snow and frost, cedars, wild animals, creepy things, kings, peoples, princes, the young and the old, women and men … and everything else.

Herein I find reason to care for my environment, which is, finally, the entire global eco system …

When a species is lost to wanton human behavior, a voice of praise is forever silenced, and the choir of praise is diminished, and while we might be oblivious to the missing voice, God knows that a joyful sound is missing.

Mountains and hills, too, and I think of mountain-top removal coal mining in West Virginia and oil drilling in the Niger Delta - where the earth suffers cruelly, and though the people there lament loss of home and habitat, those making wanton decisions for profit silence the earth, condemning the earth to sorrow, and there is no praise from the ground and water, but only tears.

And to the kings and princes and rulers of the world, whatever pride of place may infect their thinking, their voices are simply part of the choir, right along with wild beasts and stormy wind. If there's ever a prescription for the sins of pride and power, this is it.

Let all the voices of God's choir have their place and their part … the vast choir of God's creation deserves to sing, and when God created humankind, it was only, God hoped, to create a creature that could provide life-sustaining care for the choir, so that all of creation might sing with joy.

Praise the LORD!